I'm sinking like a stone in the sea

dear mom.

Thu, 17 May 2007 15:36:33 GMT

i can't make this clear enough:
YOU
DON'T
HAVE
CONTROL
OVER
ME
ANYMORE
I'M
AN
ADULT
LET
ME
MAKE
MY
OWN
MISTAKES.

stop blaming me for your issues with dad. i appriciate you and everything you've done for me. is that not obvious? i don't disrespect you and i lie to you to protect you from the things i'm really doing. i know it hurts when i lie, but my lies hurt a lot less than the truth does.

so, please, i'll comply with the rules as long as you stop trying to control me. and don't ever, ever, FUCKING EVER blame this on matt, ever again.
he's the best thing that's happened to me in a while. i just wish you would take the time to stop making judgements and get to know him for the amazing guy that he is.

i'm uncomfortable.

Sun, 06 May 2007 19:37:51 GMT

one day, i'll come around.

tonight should be alright, but every time i have high expectations, i end up disappointed.
i'm easily disappointed, i guess.

here's my wish list (see if you can grant them):
i wish....
- i had better clothes
- i was capable of keeping secrets.
- i didn't feel the need to have people around all the time. that i could be by myself.
- i spent my cash wisely.
- i was more confident.
- you were here.
- i wasn't a fifth wheel.
- people wouldn't judge so quickly.
- my nose were smaller.
- i could eat more.
- i had patience.
- i weren't so concered with the way i look.
- i were fine with the way i look.
- i didn't get tired of people so easily.
- i didn't feel like i'm at fault. all the time.
- i didn't apologize all the time.
- you knew how much you mean to me and how scared i was last night.
- i had cigarettes.
- i didn't have to pee.
- i felt usefull.
- i didn't need you.

i hope your days go better than mine.

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 17:40:01 GMT

I wish my cell phone would ring.

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 04:33:25 GMT

i
don't
want
to
go
to
dollywood
with
my
parents
and
grandparents
allbymyself.

and
i
wish
my
hair
would
magically
dry
itself
so
it
looked
good
no
matter
what.

and
i
wish
my
car
didn't
not
work
so
i
could
getthefuckoutofthishousekthnks.

UGH.

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 06:10:26 GMT

I'm always cold.

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 17:22:52 GMT

This is for Star so she can read an entry in my lj.

As of this very moment, I'm perfectly content with my life and the people in it.
I don't know what I'd do without them.